You have some sort of effect on me, and I cant say that I am a fan of it.  I am more myself with you than anyone else.  I am more happy with you, talking to you, than with anyone else.  I have to act like I dont feel anything for you because I am afraid of rejection.  You are everything I did not know I wanted.  You are the first thing I think of when the sun rises and wake me every morning, and you come back in my mind when I rest it at night.  But I struggle with knowing what love really is.  Its not something I can touch like the ocean, or something I point to like concrete and say what it is. and I cant make sure stays the same.  I think I am going to have to just be secretly in love with you, and just be happy with that.  I can walk around all day and tell myself that I am happy where I am.  That I dont need or want you, or even love you.  But you know what?  When the world quiets down, and the only thing disturbing the silence is my thoughts, I think of every word I want to say and how I would say it.  I can control my actions, I can control how I look when I say something I dont mean, I can not control my emotions, its what makes us human.  I can tell my eyes, my hands, my voice to convey what I want it to, but the heart can not be enlightened of what common sense tells you is bad for you.  I have loved no one but you.  Yet you are far from me, and I am here.  Alone.  Just because you feel it, doesnt mean its there.  We may not find our way out of this maze that we wind our way through day after day, and if we do, its not to say we will find our way out at the same time together, but, in the meantime, I would not prefer being lost with anyone else.

I know I am supposed to be a strong woman, all the time.  I am supposed to be an agreeable woman, all the time.  I am supposed to be a happy woman, all the time.  This is what is expected of me from people I know.  I am strong, until I have been strong so long it weakens me.  I am agreeable, to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings instead of speaking of my own.  I am happy, in appearance, rarely in my head.  I am so conscious of how every decision I could make affects everyone around me, so I chose whats best for them instead of what I want for myself.  I worry how people will judge my decisions, so if I will get judged badly, I dont make them.  I want to be able to put that idea behind me, I want to do what makes me happy.  I want to live for myself, not everyone else anymore. I know what I want, but I know its not a very easy concept to accept to anyone involved, besides myself and one other.  So do I go for happiness or do I suffer for just being satisfied?  

I never know why I think I want to blog, it just seems like a nifty idea.  A place to say what I want, how I want, without having to worry about someone I know wondering what I am talking about or whats going on with me.  Just to be able to write without having to explain myself.  I dont want to keep my life completely private, which is impossible anyway, I just want to keep it private from people I dont feel should hear about what I do or think on a daily or not so daily basis.  So here we go…to the world of blogging LOL